I’ll Be Smarter Tomorrow

More Thoughts on Perfectionism

One of the ways that perfectionism has shown up the most in my creative life is in my “I’ll do it later” attitude. As long as I can remember, I have put things off. Left that project until the night before it’s due, waited years to start writing that story idea that’s been nagging at me, put off sewing that tablecloth until I literally got rid of the table. 

The worst part is that it’s not like I didn’t want to do these things (I mean generally speaking. There is certainly plenty of things I didn’t actually want to do that I put off til the last minute, such as the powerpoint presentation that I did for my costuming final that I finished in the 15 minute break half way through the 3 hour final. Oops.) I did want that tablecloth, I would love to have finished that story, and there are plenty of projects half done hidden around my house. No, that’s the real trick. I wanted them so much that I thought I wasn’t worthy of doing them. 

I thought “I am terrible, tired, and anxious about something and I will be able to do that thing, write that thing, make that tablecloth better tomorrow. Seriously! Just think! I’ll be a whole day older and wiser! All my worries and troubles will magically be solved tomorrow, surely! It’ll be great! Tomorrow.”

Of course, there are several flaws with this logic. One being that I could in fact be dead tomorrow. Or I could sell that table. Or I could grow up and lose track of that story in the shuffle of life. 

And perhaps the worst outcome of all. I could wait only to make the same exact thing when the time comes. 

That’s quite a thing to think right? But I have the receipts that it happened. I recently was putting together a bio type thing for a side hustle that I’ve done on and off for years. I wrote it out, then remembered that I had gotten testimonials from clients last time I committed to that side hustle. In looking for the testimonials, I stumbled across the bio I wrote two years ago. 

It was almost word for word the same as the one I had written 20 minutes ago. 

But okay, sure, that was about me. I didn’t change my history, so that makes sense it would be similar. 

I also recently decided to pick up that story that I’ve been working on here and there. So I wrote the next scene into my word document. Then a few days later I was opening my morning pages notebook and happened to flip to the page where I apparently wrote that same scene out MONTHS ago. And on comparison, guess what, they were functionally the same. Some small changed details, but the meat of the scene even down to some of the word choices where the same. 

I think there’s two things to learn from this. First, that clearly I was not smarter tomorrow or, in fact, years later. And second, that there’s really no point in waiting. Do that thing today. Seriously. Do it right now. 

I was already capable of doing the thing and no matter how long I wait, whatever I’m going to do is going to look and sound like I made it, because I did. Everything that I write or make comes out of the experiences I’ve had and the things I’ve learned and the things that stick in my brain. The only way to make better things is to make the first things. That experience is how you learn, and that rough draft is what you can edit later. If you remember you made the rough draft in the first place, I guess.